I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
