apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
