sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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