Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
