Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
