The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
