Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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