How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
