Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm jealous of your bromance
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
