hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
