Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
