Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
