if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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