Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
