Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
