What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
