I wish they made helmets for livers.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
If its not for food we ain't going out.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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