I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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