we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
