i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
