I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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