I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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