worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
