your parents love me but you hate me
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
