Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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