An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
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