so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
