Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
