When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
