I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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