I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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