Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
try to milk me bitch
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
