You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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