I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
