Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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