you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
