It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
