I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
