we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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