Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Dick very happy bro
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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