Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
