Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
