I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
