I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You're so nebulous sometimes
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
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