3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
