Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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