Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
