Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
