I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Floor bacon is actually really good
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
