she kept yelling 'call me bella'
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
