and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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